How to Talk Minnesotan by Howard Mohr

Author:Howard Mohr [Mohr, Howard]
Language: eng
Format: epub
ISBN: 9781101615485
Publisher: Penguin Group US
Published: 2013-05-28T04:00:00+00:00

Selections from Pageants Galore!!—the official MPC guide to Minnesota Pageants:

Exposed-Rock Pageant

Hardstone, Minnesota, June 2. First pageant certified by the MPC, first to receive five-star rating. The enormous slabs of granite dotting the landscape around Hardstone were only stumbling blocks to the early settlers, who had no suspicion they were dynamiting full basements out of the world’s oldest exposed rock, as later determined by a team of scientists. The Exposed-Rock Pageant is the exuberant celebration of this geological fact.

The carnival of delights includes the lively acrobatics of the Wizard of Stone (Hardstone’s mayor), the hilarious mock-rock auction, and the dancing Shetlands. Some travelers to Minnesota are said to return each year for the tasty Nugget Dogs alone, a patented novelty food of hot dog chunks wrapped in lefse and deep-fat fried to look like tiny boulders.

Running-Water Pageant

Bellabeut, August 23. A spectacle of the first order, this pageant commemorates the construction of the new water tower in 1971 and again in 1972. (The footings for the legs weren’t deep enough on the first one and it tipped over during a blizzard on a Sunday in December of ’72. It crushed the municipal liquor store and knocked the bank off its foundation and washed the drive-in facility down the street almost to the railroad tracks. But nobody was hurt.) The pageant starts at dawn and features twenty pumper trucks and 5,000 feet of fire hose. Good local acting and plenty of laughs. Bring a raincoat and a change of clothes.

Duel of the Giants

Last Sunday in August, at the Carl Bintoton farm, two miles south and a mile east of Trasto, or six miles west and a mile north of Wadden. Called the “Battle of the Red and Green,” each year a late-model International tractor (Red) is matched with a late-model John Deere tractor (Green) of the same horsepower and the drivers go at each other until one of the tractors is just a pile of parts and an oil slick. Very popular. The outcome has a significant effect on farm equipment purchases in the Midwest. Noisy but funny. Pork feed on the grounds. Parade. Queen.

Particle Board Pageant

June 14, Millborton. A small, carefully crafted dramatization of the impact of the compressed-wood-chip industry on the town’s economy. Those of you in the market for wall paneling can buy it at 30 percent off on pageant day. Delivery is extra.

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